By Marlena De Lacroix
As the World Turns was over on Friday and at least two dozen of my old soap pals all called or wrote. But what to watch now? If you are still around to watch afternoons, it’s slim pickings. Days is way too juvenile even to contemplate. Young and Restless is very competent soap opera. But someone help! We’re left with the ABC Daytime line up. Admiring my dog Nigel sleeping on the couch seems to look like better entertainment after a while.
All My Children is boring. Who ever heard of a soap opera without a villain? What happened to Vincent Irizarry (David, who is now really, truly dead). Did he want too
Goodbye, As the Word Turns. But … One Life to Live is boring … General Hospital is boring … All My Children is boring … So what’s to watch now?
much money? No Adam, no David, and JR does not cut it as a first class villain. I could care less about Rebecca Budig. What puzzles me is that a network that is obsessed with shirtless boys (like the indistinguishable Ford boys on One Life to Live) should foist such a middle age frump as Caleb Cooney (the I’m-so-bored-please-pay-me Michael Nouri) on me. Why, Lord, why? By the time Susan Lucci arrives back in town as Erica, I will have had twelve nightmares about plaid shirts. If I want to look at half-glasses I can pick Moose’s off the coffee table and stare through them and howl from my afternoon loneliness.
One Life to Live is boring. Please ABC, give me some men! I almost had an anxiety attack when they killed off my boyfriend Eli, (along with Thorsten Kaye, my only other crush in decades of soap watching). But now it looks like he’ll be back. So I’m glad I won’t have to swoon only at Matthew Walton’s commercials anymore. And Inez — what a flopola poor Jessica Lecci is! I can’t even berate OLTL for being misogynist anymore. It’s such a snooze, its hardly worth watching. Poor Robin Strasser. She’s being written as so unlifelike it’s as if they took Dorian’s head and mounted it on the wall next to Viki. And Marlena has no greater soap loves than Slezak and Strasser! Big bad Clint indeed. What a villain! I’m so scared of Jerry ver Dorn, so-so-scared, aren’t you?
General Hospital is boring. Who will Sonny shoot next and get away with it? Me? You? You just had to laugh when Sonny went to Rome and confessed shooting his son and that cutie Brandon Barash and didn’t realize she could be shot in her beautiful face by him right then and there. Actually Vanessa Marcil and Maurice Benard do have chemistry — if you put the sound off. Seriously, they are the last of the soap supercouples — it’s a shame to waste our own Nazimova and Rudolph Valentino. Who wants to bet me three other soap analysts that Carly and Brenda get into a catfight before Marcil’s year back on the show is over?
So what’s to watch? Marlena, a home owner for the first time in my life, is big into those home shows on HGTV these days. At least this network knows how to present really attractive men. Have you seen gorgeous Carter Oosterhouse (Carter Can)? Or Scott McGillvray (Income Property)? Yowsah, now that’s what I call Real Guys. Even Holmes on Homes takes me away with his brain, hammer and perpetual overalls. I never thought I’d spend my afternoon admiring men putting insulation on pipes. At least on HGTV, the men don’t wear plaid shirts and they don’t carry guns. On daytime afternoons of these lousy and long daytime television days it seems only rooftops needing bricks get me excited!
P.S. Someone who likes me above must have been reading my hormone levels because I just heard that John Wesley Shipp is coming back to daytime as the Fords daddy on One Life to Live. Now, we all love John — who could forget his and Doug Marland’s Kelly on Guiding Light or their Doug Cummings on As the World Turns? But daytime reporters like him because he is as nice as he is hunky. And so talented! In my book he can out Oosterhouse Oosterhouse and that’s saying a lot. Welcome back John and thank goodness for embarrassing middle age desires come true….